{"id":301,"date":"2015-12-11T17:25:25","date_gmt":"2015-12-11T17:25:25","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.yourreluctantdisciple.com\/?p=301"},"modified":"2020-10-15T02:18:32","modified_gmt":"2020-10-15T02:18:32","slug":"my-bedeviled-self","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.yourreluctantdisciple.com\/?p=301","title":{"rendered":"My Bedeviled Self"},"content":{"rendered":"

San Bernardino, CA<\/strong><\/p>\n

Patches of green can still be found emerging through the fallen leaves that cover the forest floor only yards from my Vermont home. I look out my office window to see a crow perched on a nearby tree limb. Snow will soon cover all that I can see. The natural world appears to be a peaceful one, but where there is quiet, a predator lurks, and where silence prevails, its prey remains cautious and alert.<\/p>\n

A moment earlier, I was contemplating the horrific series of recent shootings, beginning with the ones in Paris in mid-November, then the ones directed at the Planned Parenthood Center in Colorado Springs, followed by the shooting rampage in San Bernardino. All in the span of about 3 weeks. I don\u2019t know about you, but I have been experiencing difficulty processing the grief that comes from such events.<\/p>\n

At times, my sadness and mourning for innocent victims is disturbed by my own violent eye-for-an-eye fantasies of vengeance that seep into my mind even as I grieve. And, when they don\u2019t pass slowly through the veil between my conscious and unconscious worlds they explode upon me\u2014in dreams, while reading, exercising, enjoying another\u2019s company, sipping a beer, gazing into the flames of a fire\u2014and do so without warning.<\/p>\n

I awaken at three o\u2019clock, sit up and experience a brief moment of dream-induced vertigo, or at other times I blink, look away from the cozy fire, breathe deeply and resume the conversation I\u2019m part of, and then take another sip of beer. The vertigo passes, but the images of the slain and injured do not, nor do the violent dreams that tear me out of my sleep. Thanksgiving weekend has passed, and as thankful and filled with gratitude as I am, a part of me harbors ill will toward those who commit heinous crimes.<\/p>\n

If, as Freud believed, eliminating self-deception (not to be confused with self-examination) will give meaning to life, then I must venture into that dark place in my soul, the abyss in which I become the enemy, capable of horrific acts. However, often enough I find deception appealing, and denial a sought after state. But, good and evil, they are my thoughts, connected to my soul, and I must own them.<\/p>\n

When current events, tragic ones in particular, provide access to those aspects of my inner world that I would prefer to avoid, I must find the courage to cross the threshold into the darkness. For me, to be fully human necessitates that journey regardless of how disturbing and unsettling it is. As President James A. Garfield once stated, \u201cThe truth shall set you free, but first it will make you miserable.\u201d<\/p>\n

Jesus, we\u2019re told, turned the other cheek, and asked his followers to love their enemies. Gandhi and King preached non-violence and the pursuit of truth as the means to liberate the disenfranchised. Though their struggles differed vastly from mine, I suspect their internal journey was similar acknowledging yet keeping our demons at bay while living fully into what it means to be human\u2014two aspects of my own humanness for which I express gratitude and thanks. I admire them for keeping their inner impulses, and I assume they had them, in check. Against great injustice, the desire to lash out is very tempting, and yet these three great men were able to manage not only their own frustrations, but keep others from lashing out as well.<\/p>\n

I feel relaxed as I look out my office window into the peaceful forest where preparations for winter are under way. Violence and calm, savagery and order co-exist in our world just as they do in the forest beyond my window. It is my hope, however, that the recent violence, which has marred my sleep and waking states, will be resolved through peaceful methods rather than further violence. Wishful thinking perhaps, but faith in humankind\u2019s goodness keeps that hope alive.<\/p>\n\"Facebook\"<\/a>\"twitter\"<\/a>\"reddit\"<\/a>\"pinterest\"<\/a>\"linkedin\"<\/a>\"mail\"<\/a>by <\/span>\"feather\"<\/a>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

San Bernardino, CA Patches of green can still be found emerging through the fallen leaves that cover the forest floor only yards from my Vermont home. I look out my office window to see a crow perched on a nearby tree limb. Snow will soon cover all that I can see. The natural world appears […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":302,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"nf_dc_page":"","_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[644],"tags":[164,168,170,32,171,172,169,165,166,163,162,167,161],"class_list":["post-301","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-faith-and-hope","tag-anger","tag-calm","tag-dr-king","tag-faith","tag-ghandi","tag-goodness","tag-gratitude","tag-grief","tag-mourning","tag-paris","tag-san-bernardino-shootings","tag-vengeance","tag-violence"],"yoast_head":"\nMy Bedeviled Self -<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.yourreluctantdisciple.com\/?p=301\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"My Bedeviled Self -\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"San Bernardino, CA Patches of green can still be found emerging through the fallen leaves that cover the forest floor only yards from my Vermont home. I look out my office window to see a crow perched on a nearby tree limb. Snow will soon cover all that I can see. The natural world appears […]\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.yourreluctantdisciple.com\/?p=301\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2015-12-11T17:25:25+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2020-10-15T02:18:32+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.yourreluctantdisciple.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/12\/San-Bernardino-750x444.jpeg?fit=640%2C379&ssl=1\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:width\" content=\"640\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:height\" content=\"379\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:type\" content=\"image\/jpeg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"yourrel4\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"yourrel4\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"3 minutes\" 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