{"id":3,"date":"2015-02-05T17:09:56","date_gmt":"2015-02-05T17:09:56","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.yourreluctantdisciple.com\/?p=1"},"modified":"2020-10-20T19:47:10","modified_gmt":"2020-10-20T19:47:10","slug":"hello-world-2","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.yourreluctantdisciple.com\/?p=3","title":{"rendered":"Balancing Pennies"},"content":{"rendered":"

I am a disciple of the gentle art of psychotherapy. I am also the disciple of the pursuit of a caring but [to me] often elusive Deity or God. I believe in a safe, reciprocating, and embracing experience of love with the beloved. But in both psychotherapy and in love I am reluctant\u2014not afraid, arrogant, aloof, or detached\u2014just reluctant. I live in a fabulous world of ardent self-confidence and crippling self-doubt\u2014an edginess that has served me well, but when in the \u201ccrucible\u201d of it\u2014OMG in spades!<\/em><\/p>\n

When I\u2019m just too enthralled with myself, I know humble pie is waiting on a menu somewhere. And when I\u2019m stricken by the weightiness of self-doubt, I know there\u2019s a lot of work to do to attend to that. I hate this conundrum. But it\u2019s equally accurate to say that I love it. Life might be easier if my personality were less a blend of opposing forces, and more a simple, pure dose of one or the other, but then I just wouldn\u2019t experience life as the vibrant journey I\u2019ve come to embrace.<\/p>\n

Both of my parents played the piano, and therefore it seemed reasonable if not imperative to them that their first-born would play as well. My mother started giving me lessons when I was five\u2014short practice sessions that included balancing pennies on my two hands while keeping time with a metronome. The experiment didn\u2019t work. As a \u201cpre-delinquent\u201d I often flushed the copper coins down the toilet, and stuck wads of gum on the metronome\u2019s pendulum\u2014all while \u201cshe who must be obeyed\u201d was visiting with a neighbor or fixing dinner.<\/p>\n

I have, however, come to appreciate the pendulum-like swings between confidence and self-doubt, angelic and devilish behavior, and the reluctance that occurs in knowing that swings are an inevitable part of my life.<\/p>\n

How do I cope? Well, being patient with all things Roger\u2014an arduous task at all times\u2014is a start. I have learned that to live fully into being who I am requires finding the capacity to handle hating what I love\u2014the me<\/em> of me.<\/p>\n

The metronome-like inner life I have, and the manner in which I inhabit the spiritual, personal, and professional worlds therein works for me\u2014a state of controlled chaos and reluctant acceptance arrived at through hard fought skirmishes and battles [mostly internal], but also in relationships and places of work and play.<\/p>\n

Sometimes I want to flush the \u201ccopper coins\u201d I discover in my pocket of doubt and devilry, but I\u2019ve learned to hold on to them, and mindfully see what they can teach me. At these times, reflection, a practice of mindfulness, and exercise help bring the controlled chaos of the metronome\u2019s beat back into focus.<\/p>\n

I recently had an experience that demonstrated this very well. I met with someone whose services I wished to employ. I grew impatient as he made assumptions about my lack of knowledge in a particular area, and began to experience the metronomic swing into self-doubt. While maintaining an attentiveness to his words and ideas I thought: Breathe, Baby\u2014this is about him, not you! <\/em>After more self-talk than I thought I had in me he \u201ccame up for breath.\u201d I thanked him for his time, and we moved ahead. By the way\u2014I hired him.<\/p>\n

Had I not listened in a mindful way he and I would have missed out on the benefits of a collaboration.<\/p>\n

Your Reluctant Disciple<\/p>\n\"Facebook\"<\/a>\"twitter\"<\/a>\"reddit\"<\/a>\"pinterest\"<\/a>\"linkedin\"<\/a>\"mail\"<\/a>by <\/span>\"feather\"<\/a>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I am a disciple of the gentle art of psychotherapy. I am also the disciple of the pursuit of a caring but [to me] often elusive Deity or God. I believe in a safe, reciprocating, and embracing experience of love with the beloved. But in both psychotherapy and in love I am reluctant\u2014not afraid, arrogant, […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":1696,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"nf_dc_page":"","_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[644],"tags":[6,3,4,5,2],"class_list":["post-3","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-faith-and-hope","tag-god","tag-mindfulness","tag-patience","tag-psychotherapy","tag-self-doubt"],"yoast_head":"\nBalancing Pennies -<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.yourreluctantdisciple.com\/?p=3\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Balancing Pennies -\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"I am a disciple of the gentle art of psychotherapy. 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