{"id":2049,"date":"2025-06-03T14:27:57","date_gmt":"2025-06-03T14:27:57","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.yourreluctantdisciple.com\/?p=2049"},"modified":"2025-06-03T15:13:56","modified_gmt":"2025-06-03T15:13:56","slug":"the-ache-that-makes-us-human","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.yourreluctantdisciple.com\/?p=2049","title":{"rendered":"The Ache That Makes Us Human"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
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I am grateful to have a decades-long vocation for which I have a passion, a profession for which I was destined and stumbled into. It has been a privilege, too.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

My home of origin was where the seeds for that vocation germinated.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Roger, the little boy, wanted to be a fireman, boat captain, logger, explorer, and mountaineer. Later, being a professional skier, baseball player, teacher or attorney replaced childhood dreams.<\/p>\n<\/div><\/div>\n\n\n

Becoming a psychotherapist never entered my thinking or fantasies.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat do you want to be when you grow up?\u201d my father would ask.<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t know,\u201d would be my frustrated response after he\u2019d dismissed my childhood dreams and more serious middle school ideas.<\/p>\n

\u201cBe a medical doctor or dentist,\u201d he\u2019d declare, \u201cthey make good money and determine their own work hours.\u201d<\/p>\n

As a preteen I suspected those professions were lucrative ones, but I doubted they allowed the kind of free time my father implied.<\/p>\n

\u201cLawyers are a dime a dozen,\u201d he\u2019d say, \u201cand teaching is a fallback vocation. Teaching should be for those who\u2019ve made a mark in the world and then enter the classroom.\u201d He didn\u2019t just say these things, he pontificated. He gave unsolicited instruction. He was right, knew the truth, and if I didn\u2019t adhere to what he said I was not a very smart guy.<\/p>\n

My intelligent father, with bachelor\u2019s and master\u2019s degrees from Columbia University in business and management consulting, had a frustrating professional life. He wanted the prestige that he believed came with a medical or dental doctorate. Though it went unsaid, I could sense during those dinner table pronouncements that my destiny was to fulfill his unfulfilled dreams.<\/p>\n

My heart ached to please him and make him proud of me. At the same time, though I didn\u2019t understand it, I sensed that both he and my mother loved who they wanted me to be rather than embrace who I was.<\/p>\n

I rebelled.<\/p>\n

Doing enough to get by in the classroom, on the athletic field, in music and other extracurricular activities became the unspoken way I pushed back. By \u201chiding my light under a bushel\u201d I not only avoided the normal consequences of learning from successes and failures, I increased their scrutiny.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy are you settling for being an \u2018also-ran?\u2019\u201d my father would scold.<\/p>\n

I couldn\u2019t give either of my loving parents the answer that would satisfy them. I kept quiet, a strategy I later saw as a survival technique, but one that increased their judgement and criticism.<\/p>\n

The seeds had been sown and were germinating.<\/p>\n

I stumbled my way through college, the rebellious attitude continuing even as the ache to please and the ache of not doing well grew inside me.<\/p>\n

After graduating from Wheaton College, I applied for and was offered a teaching job that challenged and stimulated me. The paycheck was great, but the eager-to-learn students filled me with joy. It wasn\u2019t lost on me that my first job was flipping the bird at my father\u2019s view of educators.<\/p>\n

However gratifying those three years in the classroom were, my ache continued to grow, gnawing its way into my relationships and my lifestyle. Outside the classroom I distanced myself from friends and loved ones, used exercise to attest to my invincibility, and drank too much.<\/p>\n

Freud, the consummate theorist and founding father of my profession, encouraged his followers to never underestimate the role chance plays in life.<\/p>\n

Chance came into my life in the spring of the third year I was teaching, and it altered my future. A college friend came to stay with me and my wife following a psychotic episode. We provided refuge for him during a difficult time. Our conversations revealed that we\u2019d had similar relationships with our fathers\u2014two loving bullies. His pain exposed the pain of my own childhood, and the way our suffering mirrored each other\u2019s made me want to learn more about the healing arts, particularly psychotherapy. I began reading Soren Kierkegaard\u2019s writings on depression, which led me to apply to the doctoral program in the Graduate School of Psychology at Fuller Theological Seminary.<\/p>\n

When I had my admissions interview with the dean, Lee Travis, he said, \u201cI see Ds and I see As on your transcript. How do you account for that?\u201d There was a momentary pause while I tried to figure out how to answer his question. I did what I\u2019d done for years when confronted by my father, hide in silence, sit up straight and brace myself for the inevitable lecture.<\/p>\n

\u201cPardon me for interrupting you,\u201d he said, \u201cI\u2019m going to answer my own question.\u201d
His smile caught me off guard. I remained hidden in silence preparing to have my application rejected and more importantly, be rejected for not being good enough.<\/p>\n

\u201cI think when your interest is piqued,\u201d he said, \u201cyou apply the best of Roger. We\u2019d like you to bring that to the doctoral program here at Fuller.\u201d
His offer and embrace of who I was shocked me. Speechless at first, I quickly mustered the courage to gratefully accept his offer.<\/p>\n

Freud\u2019s alert about the role of chance has merit, and never more so for me than that interview. However significant its role may be when doors are opened and provide opportunity for change, altering behaviors is difficult. That following year, my first in the doctoral program, I continued to rebel, cutting classes and doing the bare minimum to get by.<\/p>\n

At the end of the year my professors met with me individually after they\u2019d conferred and called me on the lackadaisical approach. If I planned to return in the fall, which they wanted me to do, I\u2019d need to attend class, maintain a B average, and find a psychotherapist to work with me.<\/p>\n

Their gentle ultimatum and firm commitment to my doctoral candidacy reminded me of Dr. Travis\u2019 faith in my ability. Using monies we\u2019d saved, my wife and I spent that summer traveling around the country, living out of our VW van as I prepared to make good on my commitment.<\/p>\n

My intentions were good, and as much as I wanted to excel, I felt the need to please them, make them proud of me\u2014a fateful need that stirred the rebellious nature I thought I\u2019d excised on a starry night atop a mesa in New Mexico.<\/p>\n

This is when Dr. Jim Laughrun, an available psychotherapist came into my life. Several months into our work together, he told me about Donald Winnicott\u2019s concept of the \u201cgood enough\u201d parent.<\/p>\n

\u201cLoving parents make mistakes,\u201d Jim said, \u201cand \u2018good enough\u2019 loving parents
recognize, acknowledge, and correct them.\u201d<\/p>\n

My parents couldn\u2019t do that.<\/p>\n

Doctors Travis, Laughrun, as well as the other professors in the graduate program offered to be available, assist in whatever way they could, and trust that staying the course we\u2019d laid out and being myself would be good enough.<\/p>\n

Leo Tolstoy may have been the first to write that feeling pain means you\u2019re alive and feeling the pain of others means you\u2019re a human being. It made sense that the culture in my home of origin created an angry and rebellious young man, wrapped in his own emotions and pain unable to see beyond them. The years I spent in therapy helped me see their pain and brokenness as well as the source of my own troubling behaviors.<\/p>\n

My parents\u2019 views on child rearing hid their own aches. They were two loving and wounded people who couldn\u2019t see their misguided ways because their own pain remained buried but in operation. We three, much to my chagrin and sadness, never explored that.<\/p>\n

When I could recognize, acknowledge, and understand that, feel their pain in addition to my own I became a human being in Tolstoy\u2019s and Winnicott\u2019s meaning of the term.<\/p>\n

Among life\u2019s joy and suffering, pain and pleasure, it is the ache that makes us human. And it is relief from the ache that makes genuine gratitude possible.<\/p>\"Facebook\"<\/a>\"twitter\"<\/a>\"reddit\"<\/a>\"pinterest\"<\/a>\"linkedin\"<\/a>\"mail\"<\/a>by <\/span>\"feather\"<\/a>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I am grateful to have a decades-long vocation for which I have a passion, a profession for which I was destined and stumbled into. It has been a privilege, too. My home of origin was where the seeds for that vocation germinated. Roger, the little boy, wanted to be a fireman, boat captain, logger, explorer, […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":2054,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"nf_dc_page":"","_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[632,644,637,1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2049","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-encouragement","category-faith-and-hope","category-hope","category-uncategorized"],"yoast_head":"\nThe Ache That Makes Us Human -<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.yourreluctantdisciple.com\/?p=2049\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"The Ache That Makes Us Human -\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"I am grateful to have a decades-long vocation for which I have a passion, a profession for which I was destined and stumbled into. 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