{"id":1967,"date":"2022-11-01T11:00:00","date_gmt":"2022-11-01T11:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.yourreluctantdisciple.com\/?p=1967"},"modified":"2022-10-20T15:57:57","modified_gmt":"2022-10-20T15:57:57","slug":"the-freight-we-carry","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.yourreluctantdisciple.com\/?p=1967","title":{"rendered":"The Freight We Carry"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Courtesy of Verizon<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n\n\n

Recent events brought to the surface something I thought I\u2019d explored and understood as part of my professional and personal life\u2014acceptance that life isn\u2019t fair, never has been and never will be. Too often the balance between pain and joy seems skewed toward the former and holding on takes all the courage I can muster.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Jessica was seventeen when she came to my office the summer before her senior year in high school. She was an honor student, award winning softball player, and at Saint Julians, a leader in the church youth group where she, her six siblings, and parents were members. She was strikingly beautiful, but the joy for living expressed in her eyes, smile, and overall demeanor made her attractive to peers and adults alike.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The week before our first appointment her mother mentioned to the school counselor that something seemed amiss with her daughter, nothing obvious, but her intuitive sense told her \u201csomething isn\u2019t right.\u201d Her counselor, Jake, a friend of mine, gave my name to her mother and with the mother\u2019s permission called me and gave me some background information regarding changes the mother had noticed in Jessica\u2019s behavior\u2014weight loss and canceling commitments. Jessica agreed to meet with me, stating that she was interested in a career in the field of psychology.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Jessica drove herself to our initial session, a pattern that continued throughout the time we worked together. She talked openly about enjoying school, loving her family, excitement about her boyfriend, Gus, and hopes for graduation and acceptance at either UC Berkeley or Stanford University. She doubted whether she was good enough to play softball at either school but hoped a successful senior year would increase her chances. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

When I asked if she believed her mother\u2019s concerns had merit, she said no. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cMy mom, who\u2019s a great mom, worries about all of us,\u201d she said on numerous occasions, \u201cand we\u2019re all okay. I\u2019m doing fine, and I wish she\u2019d stop, but I guess that\u2019s what moms do.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We had been seeing each other for three months, during which there were no red flags to suggest otherwise, when I reiterated the question, \u201cAre you okay, and is it possible that your mother is picking up on something that you\u2019re missing?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Like her mother, I had begun to wonder if Jessica was hiding something from us, and maybe even from herself.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

As the school year began I again voiced my puzzlement to Jessica, apologizing for revisiting the undefined concerns of her mother, but posed the possibility that sometimes we can be oblivious to what a loved one might sense.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Jessica smiled at me. \u201cI like you, Dr. Bob,\u201d she replied. \u201cYou\u2019re easy to talk to. If I major in psychology, which I think suits me better than pre-med, I can see myself doing what you do.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The first semester of her senior year involved many school and civic activities and after juggling schedules to accommodate them, we mutually decided to end our weekly sessions. She asked if it would be okay to call me after Christmas break. I assured her that would be fine, and that I looked forward to hearing from her.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A couple of days after the New Year, I shared an elevator ride with an internist in my building. He and I had a friendly, collegial relationship, one that often involved referring patients to one another. He mentioned that a young man, a senior at the local high school had tragically succumbed to a lengthy illness, a popular teen whose first name was Gus.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I immediately thought of Jessica\u2019s boyfriend and made a note to call her later that day. Just as I planned to call her, I also intended to call the school. Although Dr. Lee\u2019s sad story stayed with me, a busy schedule forced me to follow up two days later.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Two days after Dr. Lee\u2019s revelation, I received a call from Jake, my friend at the high school.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cBob,\u201d he said in a somber tone, \u201cI have some pretty distressing news. Jessica died in a car accident. The police are investigating, but she was the only passenger. She was on McKenzie Avenue and sped through a stop sign at that intersection with Williams Boulevard. A delivery truck slammed into her car.\u201d He paused. \u201cDeclared dead at the scene. Police are waiting for the toxicology report, but no one thinks substances were involved.\u201d Then he paused again as if dreading telling me more. \u201cBut apparently the police are raising the possibility of suicide.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

My heart sank. I  assumed Jessica would be calling to resume our sessions, and now she was dead. I worried I\u2019d missed something, or should I have pushed her about my puzzlement concerning her mother\u2019s concerns. I had been quite certain that Gus had been her boyfriend and Jake confirmed that was accurate. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cDo you think his death had anything to do with her accident?\u201d I continued.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

He was silent then replied that they planned to attend college in the Bay Area. We spoke for a while. I said I would call the family and express my condolences. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

This tragic series of events, never far from my mind though they occurred when I was a young therapist, came back to me following the recent suicide of a patient of mine, a middle-aged woman who took her life without warning, and did so hours after she and I had met for a session.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I am filled with grief and questions, doubts and wonderings that have kept me up at night. There is a weightiness we bear as therapists, we care for those who entrust their lives to us, strive to walk alongside them through the messiness that life brings, and hope to provide them with hope and the tools for healthier lives.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Though well intended, even the most astute and caring of us in this profession cannot prevent tragedy. I wish it were not so.<\/p>\n\"Facebook\"<\/a>\"twitter\"<\/a>\"reddit\"<\/a>\"pinterest\"<\/a>\"linkedin\"<\/a>\"mail\"<\/a>by <\/span>\"feather\"<\/a>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Recent events brought to the surface something I thought I\u2019d explored and understood as part of my professional and personal life\u2014acceptance that life isn\u2019t fair, never has been and never will be. Too often the balance between pain and joy seems skewed toward the former and holding on takes all the courage I can muster. […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":1968,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"nf_dc_page":"","_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[641,644,643,1],"tags":[29,685,34,686,479,33,684],"class_list":["post-1967","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-doubt","category-faith-and-hope","category-listening","category-uncategorized","tag-death","tag-doctor","tag-doubt","tag-fairness","tag-joy","tag-loss","tag-pain"],"yoast_head":"\nThe Freight We Carry -<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.yourreluctantdisciple.com\/?p=1967\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"The Freight We Carry -\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Recent events brought to the surface something I thought I\u2019d explored and understood as part of my professional and personal life\u2014acceptance that life isn\u2019t fair, never has been and never will be. Too often the balance between pain and joy seems skewed toward the former and holding on takes all the courage I can muster. 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