{"id":172,"date":"2015-07-31T12:50:23","date_gmt":"2015-07-31T12:50:23","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.yourreluctantdisciple.com\/?p=172"},"modified":"2020-10-15T03:09:50","modified_gmt":"2020-10-15T03:09:50","slug":"i-am-too-alone-in-the-world-panel-2-crazy-for-the-storm","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.yourreluctantdisciple.com\/?p=172","title":{"rendered":"I am too alone in the world\u2014Panel 3: Crazy for the Storm"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>The room was dark except for the light of the full moon, a natural light intensified by the snow-covered landscape. I stood in the entryway to what was fondly called the music room, in which my father sat behind the grand piano, a Steinway. Picture windows, extending the length of the first floor, provided access for a quiet, natural coolness to bathe the open and adjoining rooms.<\/p>\n<p>In the distance the snow- and ice-covered Raritan River, a thin broken thread of white, snaked its way through the darkened patches of forest. The lights of New Brunswick sparkled on this sub-freezing December evening, the second day after my return from college for Christmas break.<\/p>\n<p>It was late. The tension-filled dinner had ended. My brother and I had carried the residue of the muted but rancorous exchanges to the safety of our respective bedrooms in the back of the house.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Our mother, quietly seething, could be heard at the other end of the hallway, rustling about in the kitchen, puttering, cleaning up after having made much ado about a job she insisted on doing alone.<\/p>\n<p>Moments later and restless, I was drawn back to the main part of the house by the sound of my father playing the piano. He loved to play extemporaneously, sitting before the keyboard, facing into the distance while passionately playing whatever tune drove his fingers to touch the keys. And I could hear him doing so with abandon.<\/p>\n<p>Our mother also played the piano, but she played \u201cby the book,\u201d memorized notes from sheet music without improvisation, never venturing into the unknown of self-creation and extemporaneous-never-to-be-repeated expressions. She would often chide my father for his unshackled riffs, and he would cease playing his magic and return to playing memorized hymns to please her.<\/p>\n<p>Years after my father\u2019s death, she told me the story of the time he passionately gave her a soulful kiss, an intimate gesture she rebuffed and made him promise to never do again. Much as he played piano to suit her wishes, I believe he also acquiesced to her style of romantic intimacy. \u201cI love you, Doe,\u201d was a frequent response to her requests.<\/p>\n<p>I had responded to his playing, but also wanted to say goodnight. Now, as I stood in the alcove, I saw him hunched over, his hands momentarily motionless on the keys. The silence was broken only by the sounds of his sobbing. I noticed, too, that the kitchen had grown quiet, and he sat alone; an air of defeat and resignation seeped into the semi-darkness. I watched as he lifted his head, his silhouette outlined against the Raritan Valley as he returned to facing the world beyond the confines of the music room.<\/p>\n<p>And then, as I continued to take him in, tears clouding my vision, he turned from the window, addressed the piano, straightened up ever so slightly, and began to play. In the place of muffled sobbing there arose a sweet outpouring of blissful sounds, music that began to dissipate the heaviness that had permeated the evening. He played with abandon following his soul\u2019s lead, a composition both melancholic and exuberant, spontaneous and freeing.<\/p>\n<p>My father was passionate about much in life, but he was also stifled and inhibited, caught in a conundrum for which he had some responsibility. I was nineteen on that December evening, and didn\u2019t understand his sobbing and my response to it other than that I loved him.<\/p>\n<p>Now, years later, I have a deeper understanding of that night. I too have lived a passion-filled life with stifling and inhibited periods for which I bear responsibility\u2014I too know what it feels like to be \u201calone in the world.\u201d<\/p>\n<a class=\"synved-social-button synved-social-button-share synved-social-size-24 synved-social-resolution-single synved-social-provider-facebook nolightbox\" data-provider=\"facebook\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\" title=\"Share on Facebook\" 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I stood in the entryway to what was fondly called the music room, in which my father sat behind the grand piano, a Steinway. Picture windows, extending the length of the first floor, provided access [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":1664,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"nf_dc_page":"","_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-172","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v28.7 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/product\/yoast-seo-wordpress\/ -->\n<title>I am too alone in the world\u2014Panel 3: Crazy for the Storm -<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.yourreluctantdisciple.com\/?p=172\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"I am too alone in the world\u2014Panel 3: Crazy for the Storm -\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"The room was dark except for the light of the full moon, a natural light intensified by the snow-covered landscape. 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